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Wednesday, June 8, 2016

5 Things NOT to Do on Your Honeymoon

Originally posted on The Writing Prompts Crew

As the summer wedding season kicks off, so do summer honeymoons. If you’re counting down the days until your honeymoon or know someone who is, here are some quick tips to make sure your special week is a success. Purely hypothetical advice, of course. Not in any way drawn from personal experience. :)

Our Wedding 7 Years Ago

1. Use the Do Not Disturb Sign
Sure, growing up you saw that little white thing with a door knob hole punched in it as just a useless piece of paper. Trust me, it’s not. Use it. Or perhaps the evening of your wedding you thought, oh I’ll wake up early and hang that up in the morning.
Procrastination, a mortal flaw.
On the bright side, you will only make this mistake once. Ever. In your entire life.
2. Trust Reviews
If a hotel’s reviews say ‘lovely place, but not good for honeymooners,’ don’t think oh they meant other people, not us. We are adventurers. This will be a wonderful hotel for a honeymoon. The reviewers could know something you don’t, such as the hotel staff is entirely INSANE.
Speaking of crazy hotel staff . . .
3. Do Not Cook Microwave Popcorn
I love popcorn. I wanted to introduce my new husband to this passion of mine, so I made a bag of microwave popcorn. Unfortunately, I didn’t watch the microwave timer. The popcorn burned.
No biggie. I threw it away.
A half hour later, the crazy hotel staff rushed our room. Not just one of them, hordes of them. The lady in charge glowered at me. “I smelled smoke. Are you burning down our hotel?” She gave me the evil eye, as if to say, I’ve been warned of terrorists like you.
“Uh. We made microwave popcorn. It smoked.”
“I see smoke marks on the shower.” She glared at me.
Really? From one bag of popcorn? “I’ll scrub them off.”
The hotel staff ripped open the microwave door as their gazes flicked around the room, looking for evidence of other nefarious deeds we might have done in their absence. “Look at this! Popcorn stains on our microwave. You’re replacing that entire microwave for our hotel.”
“I’ll scrub the microwave. I’ve cleaned burned popcorn from a microwave before.” Besides, most of the yellow scum in the microwave wasn’t even from me.
“No, you can’t.”
“Yes, I really can.”
The entire horde of hotel staff crossed their arms. “We’ll believe it when we see it.”
“Alright.” Cue several hours scrubbing a microwave of not only my popcorn, but every previous tenant’s popcorn. Just how we wanted to spend our honeymoon.
Learn your lesson here. Don’t cook microwave popcorn on your honeymoon. Maybe just don’t cook anything. Your brain’s probably not fully functioning this week anyway.
4. Sunscreen EVERYWHERE
And I mean everywhere. You know that adorable bathing suit you bought just for your honeymoon? Skin that’s never seen the sun before burns easily–really easily. You don’t want burnt skin on your honeymoon. You really don’t. Don’t be like me. Use sunscreen.
5. Imagine Two Screaming Babies
No matter what delays and less than perfect planning interrupts your honeymoon, you will instantly have an entire new appreciation for these days of your life if you try this simple exercise.
a. Walk into the shower. Close the door. 
Did someone scream? Did someone twist the handle? Did someone pound on the door and yell “Mama, Dada, I’m lonely!”
No? You’re having a great honeymoon.
b. Put food on your plate. Lift your fork.
Did someone scream? Did someone throw peas on the floor? Did someone jump out of their chair and start sticking their fingers into electrical sockets?
No? You’re having a fabulous honeymoon.
c. Sit down. Put your feet up. 
Did someone scream “Mama, Dada, I fill in bodily function a toddler needs cleaned up“? Look down at your shirt? Is there any kind of small child’s bodily function on it?
No? You’re having a wonderful honeymoon.
Enjoy your honeymoon. It will end all too soon.

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