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Thursday, March 17, 2016

Irish Jokes for St. Patrick's Day

If you're planning on celebrating St. Patrick's Day the traditional way, you'll probably find just about anything funny tonight. If you're not into the Irish pub thing though, here are some jokes that you won't need to down green beer to laugh at. Thank you Author Donn Taylor.

Irish Jokes for St. Patrick's Day
by Donn Taylor

Joke #1: Guess Governors Aren't Too Popular in Ireland
O'Brien tells this story: 'Twas a beautiful St. Patrick's Day, and I went for a drive. 'Twas so beautiful that I didn't watch where I was going, and I rear-ended the car ahead of me. What's worse, 'twas the governor's car that I hit. And yet worse, a big, red-faced policeman saw it all and came straight to my car.
            "So ye didn't watch where ye was goin'," he said. "What's yer name.?"
            "Me name is O'Brien," I said.
            "Well, Mr. O'Brien," the policeman said. "Me name is Shaughnessy." He lowered his voice.
            "Tell me now, Mr. O'Brien, just between us Irishmen: How fast was the governor goin' when he backed into ye?"

Joke #2: Irish Poker Humor

Six Irish men are playing poker when one of them plays a bad hand and dies. The rest draw straws to see who will tell his wife. One man draws the shortest straw and goes to his friend’s house to tell the wife.
The man says to her, “Your husband lost some money in the poker game and is afraid to come home.”
The wife says, “Tell him to drop dead!” The man responds, “I’ll go tell him.”

Joke #3: Actor Jokes

Q: What's the difference between God and O'Toole?
A: God doesn't wander around Dublin thinking he's O'Toole.

Joke #4: When You Just Don't Recognize God's Hand

An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.
"Lord," he prayed, "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said, "Never mind,I found one."

Joke #5: We All Have THAT Co-Worker

Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'"

Joke #6: Smart-Aleck

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy says, "In the car."
Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."

Joke #7: Picking on the Media Goes Way Back

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

Joke #8: Always Ensure You Read the Fine-Print

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now."

One Liners for Your Evening

Irish sayings: There are only three kinds of men who don’t understand women: young men, old men, and middle-aged men.

Never iron a four leaf clover. You don’t want to press your luck.

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven’t got the joke yet.

The Irish way - Now don’t be talking about yourself while you’re here. We’ll surely be doing that after you leave.

Irish Blessing - As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

Old Irish Curse - May those that love us love us, and those that don’t love us, may God turn their hearts. If He can’t turn their hearts, may He turn their ankles, so we’ll know them by their limping!

Irish diplomacy - The art of telling someone to go to hell in such a way they’ll look forward to the trip.

Donn Taylor led an Infantry rifle platoon in the Korean War, served with Army aviation in Vietnam, and worked with air reconnaissance in Europe and Asia. Afterwards, he earned a PhD in English literature (Renaissance) and for eighteen years taught literature at two liberal arts colleges. His poetry is collected in his book Dust and Diamond: Poems of Earth and Beyond. In addition to his historical novel, Lightning on a Quiet Night, he has published two suspense novels and a light-hearted mystery. More are on the way. He is a frequent speaker at writers’ conferences and groups. He lives in the woods near Houston, TX, where he continues to write fiction and poetry, as well as essays on writing, ethical issues, and U.S. foreign policy.

Read Post 6 in the St. Patrick's Day Series:
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